Powerless Rankings

Super Powerless Rankings

30 January 2015: Close up of the Lombardi Trophy before the Super Bowl XLIX press conference at the Phoenix Convention Center in Phoenix, Az. 30

Is there a football game today? Huh, you don’t say.

Super Bowl Super Bowl Super Bowl Super Bowl Super Bowl Super Bowl Super Bowl Super Bowl Super Bowl Super Bowl Super Bowl Super Bowl Super Bowl Super Bowl Super Bowl Super Bowl Super Bowl Super Bowl Super Bowl Super Bowl Super Bowl Super Bowl Super…

Whoa, sorry. I swear I lost control of my hands for a minute there. What I meant to say was, Happy Sunday! I believe there is a football game this evening, which I can tell you I definitely didn’t lose sleep about last night because that would be ridiculous. Just because my favorite team has a chance to make history while vaulting its coach and quarterback into GOAT discussions doesn’t mean I can’t focus on other things for a couple minutes. So, here are our five non-Super-Bowl related Powerless Ranking entries. A nice little respite from the Big Game hype.

5. My Sanity

If you believed that this wouldn’t be about the Super Bowl, you really have only yourself to blame. I mean look at the picture. This is going to be all Super Bowl, all the time, just like the last two weeks of my life.

I’m going insane. I’ll admit it. I have spent something like 300 straight hours listening to grown men discuss air pressure inside of footballs at various temperatures. I have become an expert in the area of proper NFL ball inflation. I have watched adults, being paid for their time, asking someone questions knowing the answer was going to be “I’m here so I don’t get fined.” I have watched a Katy Perry press conference. I considered gambling on the coin toss. I may have gambled on the National Anthem length.

NFL: JAN 27 Super Bowl XLIX - Media Day - Seattle Seahawks

The point is, I am going insane. I can’t do it anymore. I welcome this game with open arms, if only so people will stop talking about it. Please send help.

4. My Relationship

You know who doesn’t appreciate all of the above? My girlfriend. God bless her, she’s been supportive, but Super Bowl week takes its toll. I can – and did – listen to sports talk for hours on end, day after day, hearing the same people discuss the same things. I think I may have permanently lost car-radio privileges. On the bright side, she may be the biggest Patriots fan there is tonight, because she knows she has to live with me when the game is over. Another silver lining…

3. My Waistline

I’m also going to gain 100 pounds tonight. You see, my girlfriend doesn’t love football, but she does love to cook. Casa de Smolokoff has food on food on food tonight. I’m talking bean dip, beer, taquitos, beer, puppy chow, beer, artichoke dip, beer, bacon-wrapped hot dogs with a sweet glaze, beer, pizza, and I think we bought some beer. Win or lose, I will be fat at the end of the night. Can’t say I’m all that upset, actually.

2. My Nerves

Did I mention I’m going nuts. Forget all the extra fluff, forget deflategate, and Marshawn Lynch press conferences, and all that nonsense. The football game between the New England Patriots and the Seattle Seahawks is giving me an ulcer. How do we stop Lynch up the middle? How do we contain Wilson in the pocket and force him to beat us with his arm? How do we force pressure? How will our center play, coming off a leg injury? How do we throw on this team? Can we establish the run? What if we lose?

NFL: DEC 28 Bills at Patriots

Welcome to my brain; it’s a terrible place right now. You know what though? Screw it.

1. The Seattle Seahawks

You’re going down, Seattle. We’ve got the best coach in the history of the league and I will fight you if you disagree. We’ve got Tom effing Brady, three-time Super Bowl champ, and he’s hungry for that elusive fourth. We’ve got Gronk. We’ve got Revis Island. We have Blount, and Edelman, and did I mention Gronk? We’ve got Chandler Jones and Jamie Collins.

Brady Lombardi

You want to run? Boom, big Vince Wilfork in the middle. Wanna throw? We got Revis, and Collins, and a guy who knows Seattle better than anyone in Brandon Browner. We’re bringing order back to the NFL, and getting back where we belong – the top. I want this Super Bowl so bad I can taste it, and I know Brady and Belichick agree. It may cost me my sanity, my figure, and my relationship, but we’re taking this one home. Sorry Seattle – you ran into a buzz saw. Tough break.

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