Give me Sean McVay for NFL Coach of the Year.
I know Mike Zimmer’s pulling a sled with Case Keenum and flourishing but McVay lugged his offensive playbook and economy-sized bottle of hair gel to L.A. and turned the Rams into a juggernaut.
New Orleans Saints at Atlanta Falcons (TNF)
Line: ATL (-1)
TV: NFL Network
Alvin Kamara should be sending Thank You cards to the Kansas City Chiefs for closing up shop on Kareem Hunt. Remember when it was Hunt and Deshaun Watson for Rookie of the Year? Nope, Kamara might be a mortal lock now. Take it from someone who had the Saints last weekend: Every time Kamara touches the ball, you think he’s going to score.
Are the Falcons the best worst team or vice versa? Taylor Gabriel, where are you?
Prediction: Saints, 26-23
Detroit Lions at Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Lions should be ashamed of themselves for giving up 44 to the Ravens. Detroit literally let Joe Flacco throw all over its defense then watched Flacco eat a W in his postgame press conference. I don’t know how a team comes back from that.
Matthew Stafford is dealing with more injuries than the guy from Operation; who knows how he’ll healthy be if he goes on Sunday?
Jameis Winston continues to make dumb plays.
Prediction: Lions, 21-17
Oakland Raiders at Kansas City Chiefs
Line: KC (-3.5)
I need the entire AFC West discontinued.
There have been a few weeks where you could buy low on the Chiefs, but wow, does this team stink. If it’s not the offense, it’s the defense and vice versa. This team has yet to play a complete game in the last six weeks. Watching Josh McCown rip this team into oblivion was an absolute sight as Darrelle Revis tried to arm tackle receivers left and right.
Marshawn Lynch used the phrase “ding ding sauce,” and I’m not sure that’s all too surprising.
Prediction: Chiefs, 27-16
Green Bay Packers at Cleveland Browns
Line: GB (-3.5)
Brett Hundley did so little on Sunday, one TV outlet showed Jordy Nelson’s passing stats — Nelson didn’t even attempt a pass.
There’s no team you feel as pessimistic about in the red zone as the Cleveland Browns. If I wagered on this team, I’d feel more comfortable with the offense outside the 20-yard line.
This feels like the Josh Gordon Game. Mark me down for five catches, 113 yards and two touchdowns.
Cleveland, finally on the board.
Prediction: Browns, 23-20 (OT)
San Francisco 49ers at Houston Texans
Line: HOU (-1.5)
Jimmy G is going to torch the Texans. He’s a must-start in all your fantasy lineups and you can ride Garoppolo to the ‘ship. I also don’t play fantasy football, and this is coming from a guy who said Tyler Boyd was going to have a monster season, so don’t listen to me.
Tom Savage has nothing to work with on offense sans DeAndre Hopkins. Maybe get Will Fuller back so every pass he catches automatically winds up in a touchdown? Just a thought.
This has all the makings of a wide-open game. The injury report on Houston’s offensive side scares me, but still, mortal.
Prediction: 49ers, 30-22
Chicago Bears at Cincinnati Bengals
Line: CIN (-6.5)
I wanted (and still want) Minkah Fitzpatrick in a Bears uniform, but if I have to settle for Derwin James, so be it.
Monday Night Football gave you all you need to know about the Bengals. Good teams win when they’re up 17-0 at any point of the game.
Bengals = not a good team.
Vontaze Burfict got lit up by JuJu Smith-Schuster and I’m already circling the calendar for next season’s matchup.
Prediction: Bengals, 23-13
Minnesota Vikings at Carolina Panthers
Line: MIN (-2.5)
I hate both teams. Carolina will probably run the play where Cam Newton sticks a handoff in Christian McCaffrey’s stomach for a grand total of seven whole seconds while shuffling to the line to make his read, only to throw an incomplete pass 12 yards over the head of a double-covered Devin Funchess, like, 17 times on Sunday.
Prediction: Vikings, 26-17
Indianapolis Colts at Buffalo Bills
My eyes. They hurt.
Prediction: Colts, 24-16
Dallas Cowboys at New York Giants
Line: DAL (-6.5)
Lane Kiffin to the Giants.
Prediction: Giants, 22-20
New York Jets at Denver Broncos
Line: DEN (-1.5)
I love this Jet team so much. The youth. The play-action up-top passes by Josh McCown. The unwillingness to tank while also failing to make the playoffs. I made fun of the Jets plenty for not knowing what they were, but more power to them for, well, winning games.
Prediction: Broncos, 16-13
Tennessee Titans at Arizona Cardinals
Line: TEN (-3)
Blaine Gabbert is kind of a gunslinger, no? I mean, gunslingers don’t have to be accurate; they just chuck left and right.
Derrick Henry continues to cover spreads on late-game touchdowns and I want to be a part of one so badly.
Prediction: Cardinals, 27-23
Washington Redskins at Los Angeles Chargers
Line: LAC (-6.5)
I have ulcers just looking at this matchup. Find two other teams you don’t know what you’re going to get on a weekly basis, I’ll wait a full decade.
What we’re going to do is make a prediction (Redskins, 24-20) and go as far away from that as possible.
Prediction: Chargers, 40-34 (OT)
Seattle Seahawks at Jacksonville Jaguars
Line: JAX (-3)
The Jaguars are favored over the Seahawks; take that, Pete Carroll.
The Jaguars are going to get smoked by Ben Roethlisberger and the Steelers in the playoffs. Roethlisberger revenge game.
The Seahawks’ offensive line is porous but Seattle was able to beat the Eagles and hold their offense to 10 points? The way this season is going, is anyone surprised?
Prediction: Jaguars, 23-16
Philadelphia Eagles at Los Angeles Rams
Line: LAR (-2.5)
The injection game. Play this game every week to close out the season and the winner gets to play New England in the Super Bowl. How bad would it be to see Minnesota in the Super Bowl? Basically a home team with Case Keenum under center? Pass.
I need there to be no punts in this game.
Prediction: Rams, 31-26
Baltimore Ravens at Pittsburgh Steelers (SNF)
Line: PIT (-7)
Prayers up for Ryan Shazier on a quick and healthy recovery.
The Steelers’ game plan of throwing into the direction of Dre Kirkpatrick — aka Captain Penalty — was a solid one; kudos to the Pittsburgh coaching staff for finding that matchup.
Bold prediction: Chris Boswell doesn’t kick a game-winning field goal this week.
Prediction: Steelers, 28-23
New England Patriots at Miami Dolphins (MNF)
Line: NE (-12)
Rob Gronkowski was suspended one week and got people all riled up over their fantasy football teams — that’s reason No. 1 why fantasy football would take a score off my life. I already spend my Sundays typically rooting for the Browns to score points or the Colts to cover double-digit spreads with Jacoby Brissett under center; I don’t need all that other hooplah.
Prediction: Patriots, 27-17