Powerless Rankings


Arrests, suspensions, and rehab lead the way in this week’s edition of the Powerless Rankings

Happy Sunday everyone. I’ve finally taken a breath after that Patriots game, and I’m ready for two more playoff games later today. Before that though, it’s time to make fun of some of this week’s less fortunate sports figures. After a one-week hiatus, we’re back with the Powerless Rankings.


  1. This College Ref 

Hey ref, stay hydrated, bro. We’ve all been there, when you just can’t control your own muscles and have no choice but to collapse in a sad, sorry heap onto the ground. Most of us aren’t caught on camera when it happens, sure, but it does happen. Either way, grab a Gatorade and get going, man. You’ve got a game to call.


  1. This Turkish Basketball Fan 

Forget the Malice and the Palace, this is the Clothesline on the Court (still working on the name, if we’re being honest). An upset fan rushed the court at this Turkish League game this week, getting so far as to push a player in the back. Like a bat out of hell, one of the guy’s teammates flies into the picture and takes the guy out so viciously you can hear him hit the ground. Apparently I need a better Turkish following; that guy should have known the number one rule of the Powerless Rankings is Head on a Swivel.


  1. Jets Players Being Arrested

Not one but two New York Jets were arrested this week. Running back Chris Johnson was arrested Friday night in Orlando for carrying a firearm, a second-degree misdemeanor. Johnson allegedly rolled through a stop sign, was pulled over, and arrested for having a non-concealed weapon under the seat of his car. That’s way less embarrassing than Jets linebacker Jermaine Cunningham, who was arrested for what police are calling “revenge porn.” While usually those types of charges entail someone posting images on the internet without the subject’s consent, it sounds like Cunningham simply showed some…compromising…photos of an ex to some of his friends, like every person on the planet. Still, not a good look for the Jets. But hey, who wants to coach them!?


  1. Jon Jones121

“Hey Jon, you just won UFC 182, retaining your belt and cementing yourself as one of the best UFC fighters ever. How are you going to celebrate?!” “I’m going to rehab!” Uhhh… what? Jones had little time to celebrate his win last week, as he apparently spent too much time celebrating beforehand. Jones tested positive for cocaine in a random test taken last month, and will now enter a treatment program. His win isn’t vacated, as cocaine is hardly a performance-enhancer, but his reputation definitely took a hit. I hope this is more of a once-off, recreational type of thing than the sign of a problem, and I do hope Jones gets whatever help he may need. Still, it’s a bad look for the Light-Heavyweight Champion.


  1. Darren Carrington

Without a doubt, the biggest idiot in sports this week. Last week, Carrington’s seven catches, 165 yards, and two scores helped his Oregon Ducks fly past Florida State on their way to the National Championship Game. A game, it turns out, he can’t play in. Carrington tested positive for marijuana in an NCAA-issued test this week, leaving him ineligible for tomorrow’s Championship Game. While smoking weed – especially in a state where it’s completely legal – really shouldn’t ruin this kid’s life, he had to know it wasn’t allowed. If you know weed is illegal per NCAA rules, maybe don’t smoke it in the two weeks before the biggest football game of your life. I don’t agree with the rule, but the blame is 100 percent on Carrington here. I hope your Ducks win the title, but all you’re winning this week is the top spot in the Powerless Rankings.

Check back next week to see whose failures and boneheadedness land them in the rankings.

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