Powerless Rankings

DeflateGate – Of Course – Leads Powerless Rankings

Bad basketball, lawsuits, and – of course – deflategate lead this week’s Powerless Rankings

Perhaps the worst Sunday of the year is upon us; the Sunday between Conference Championships and the Super Bowl. Not to worry though, there were still plenty of embarrassing tidbits throughout the sports world this week, and, as always, I’m here to bring them to you. So sit back, relax, and laugh at other people’s expense. It’s the Powerless Rankings.

5. New York Knicks and Los Angeles Lakers

On Super Bowl Sunday, a few hours before kickoff, the Lakers and Knicks play each other. Don’t flip over to ESPN to find it though; its been cut from their schedule. What game will you see instead? You’ll get to watch Chris Paul – at his celebrity bowling tournament. That’s right, the Knicks and Lakers (a combined 20-69 as of writing) have been bumped from the Worldwide Leader, to be replaced by a celebrity bowling tournament. I suppose that’s what happens when you take two last-place teams, subtract the most marketable player from the game, and put it on the same day as the Super Bowl. Nobody was going to watch that game, and ESPN knew it. My, my how the mighty have fallen.

4. Cowboys Fan Terry Hendrix

Terry Hendrix is your typical Cowboys fan. Loves the team, loves Dez Bryant, was devastated by their loss to the Packers a few weeks ago. Oh, also, he’s in prison. Well, unlike most Dallas fans, Hendrix has decided to take matters into his own hands from his prison cell, drafting up a hand-written lawsuit against the NFL. Hendrix is seeking the completely realistic amount of $88,987,654,321.88 in damages from the NFL for, as he says, “negligence, breach of fiduciary duty, and also reckless disregard.” He called the reversal of Dez Bryant’s catch “fraud,” and went on in great detail about how and why the Cowboys would also have beaten the Seahawks and would thus be preparing for the Super Bowl.

Cowboys Fan Note

Honestly, I like this guy. He can play for my team any day. He saw something go down that he didn’t think was fair, and isn’t going to sit idly by as the NFL harms his team and its fans. The $88 billion he’s seeking is a bit steep, if we’re being honest, but it’s all in a days work for Hendrix. He’s a hero, really.

3. Gerry Hamilton of ESPN

Hamilton works for ESPN, and was doing his job, reporting on some college recruiting. While reporting that the number-29 recruit in the country, Roquan Smith, would be visiting Texas A&M this week, he decided to include some video highlights of Smith. Seems fair; people want to know who the kid is. Only problem is, based on this since-deleted tweet, I don’t think that video is going to lead to the kind of highlights people were expecting.

Gerry Hamilton Tweet

Happens to the best of us, Gerry. May want to limit the extracurriculars while on the job, but it’s an easy mistake. Keep your head up, man.

2. This Los Angeles Clippers Trainer

Being an NBA trainer can’t be a great job. Sure, you get to hang out with famous athletes all day at work, but you’re always the small, nerdy guy who all the athletes rip on. I assume it’s similar to being a tutor for college athletes; you’re “one of the guys,” but really you just get ripped on all day. So, when this trainer made it on TV during a recent Clippers game, this probably isn’t what he had in mind:

Can’t say it much better than the announcer does there – no, don’t do that! Can’t imagine what that guys cell phone was like that night. “Hey, man, saw you on TV getting pretty close to Blake Griffin!” Yikes.

1. #DeflateGate

This stupid thing. For the last week, everyone has lost their damn minds over the amount of air in a football. Well guess what? The Patriots aren’t the losers here; everyone else is. Seriously, we’ve got Michael Wilbon saying the Patriots should forfeit their Super Bowl appearance. Just give it up, and send the Colts instead. Then we’ve got guys like Bob Kravitz saying Belichick should be fired, or Stephen A. Smith saying he should be suspended for a year. A year! For slightly under-inflated footballs! What planet am I on? Nobody went more bat-s*** than former NFL quarterback Mark Brunnel though.


The man was basically crying on national television. OVER THE AIR PRESSURE OF SOME FOOTBALLS. He had tears in his eyes! A grown man! Over a football! It looks like this stupid thing is finally headed for the rearview, but seriously, Mark Brunnel and the rest of the talking heads are this week’s losers. You can’t get emotional over deflated footballs on national television. Can’t do it.

Check back next week, where I assume the entire rankings will just be about my sanity headed into the Super Bowl.

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