The Cleveland Indians need a movie.
The 2002 Oakland Athletics — winners of 20 straight — were the focal point of Moneyball, a baseball film hinging on the success of sabermetrics and a fiery general manager who cranked out lat pulldowns in the clubhouse during games and relied on a nerdy stats guru from the Ivy League to help form the ooze that was once the laughingstock of major league baseball.
Now, the Indians are riding a 22-game winning streak down the final lap of the season, motioning for some sort of film to be made about their surge into the postseason.
The Indians already attempted cast the Tribe with a bevy of famed actors; we tried to one-up them (as good sportsmen), so here’s which red-carpet stars we have playing the Indians:
Francisco Lindor – Michael B. Jordan
Jordan had his football role as Vince Howard in Friday Night Lights and threw haymakers as the headliner in Creed, so I’m not questioning his ability to translate his sporting role to baseball; the guy has 70-grade tools everywhere.
Also, fun fact of the day: While we still mourn the death of G-Baby, Jordan actually played Jamal in Hardball. It’s time to bring him back to the diamond and the budding star deserves to play the centerpiece of the film.
RIP G-Baby, gone too soon.
Mike Clevinger – Mark L. Young
In case you aren’t sure who Mark L. Young is:
— Abigail Campos (@bigail_xx) September 15, 2017
Scottie P. may have played a limited role in We’re the Millers, but he’s one character we probably wanted more of. Just as Corey Kluber and the crew are dominant atop the rotation, don’t forget about Clevinger this season. He also sports one of the coolest half-sleeves in the game, reminiscent of one the most infamous tattoos to hit the big screen.
No Ragrets on this one.
Jason Kipnis – Taylor Kitsch
From one Friday Night Lights actor to another, Kitsch has never really been outspoken in his roles but has that edge and demeanor that’s enticing. Kipnis is more placid than he is vocal, letting his play do the talking. It may take more time for Kitsch to nail down Kipnis’ batting stance than it would his manner, but it seems like a perfect fit.
Never forget that Kitsch showed up inebriated to football practice as a 16-year-old in FNL countless times and still kept his captaincy. Clear eyes, full hearts, the Indians can’t lose.
Lonnie Chisenhall – Ryan Gosling
Gosling was arguably the worst high school defender when he played Alan Bosley in Remember the Titans, to the extent that Pro Football Focus would have cut him from the archives after a few minutes of film study. Everyone gets a second chance, so you know what Ryan, saddle up; you’re playing an important role in the outfield.
Edwin Encarnacion – Terry Crews
Crews may be nearing age 50, but he’s 6-foot-3 and 240 of his 245 pounds are comprised of muscle fibers. We need someone whose biceps are tearing jersey sleeves en route to parking balls 490 feet out of Progressive Field. Every other scene needs to be Crews/EE receiving random drug-sampling tests for Stanozolol.
Terry Francona – J.K. Simmons
I understand the Tom Hanks-to-Tito comparison, but Hanks is a one-and-done guy. He already played Jimmy Duggan in A League of Their Own and I don’t know if you can replicate that kind of performance, aka shoveling Big Chief in his cheek and guzzling from a flask during the 7th-inning stretch.
Simmons has the pep and charisma to play Francona, but he better warm up the jaw in preparation of popping Hubba Bubba after every half inning.
Now, if you’re the Indians, you just have to hope for a better ending to the film than the A’s got.