Powerless Rankings

Carroll Not So Super Atop Powerless Rankings

Photo: AP

Happy Sunday everyone. I know, I know, the Sunday after the Super Bowl is always the worst, as that slow realization that we won’t have another meaningful football game for more than six months sets in. Fear not though; Sundays can still be fun. I’m here for you. To try to take your mind off the fact that football is pretty much as far away as it’s going to get, we’re going back to a full Powerless Rankings this week.

That’s right, ten entries again for the first time in, well, a while. Consider it my gift to you. Here are the TEN worst weeks in sports; it’s the Powerless Rankings.

10. Chipper Jones

Oh, Larry. Jones took to Twitter this week, aghast at the US government lying to him and the American people for too long. So, what was he upset about? Well…

Chipper Jones Tweet

Yeaaaaahhhh. So, Chipper, let’s give you the benefit of the doubt, just for a moment. You read or hear that Sandy Hook is a hoax. Don’t you maybe, just maybe, check your source? Maybe Google it real quick, see if anyone else is reporting this. Sounds like something people would be talking about. Anyway, Jones quickly deleted the tweet, then apologized for it later on. Too little, too late, Chipper.

9. Mike Florio

Ladies and gentleman, the biggest stick in the mud of Super Bowl week goes to…Pro Football Talk’s Mike Florio!

Seriously, dude? Even if this was meant tongue-in-cheek, it’s a terrible joke. The Patriots won the Super Bowl – NOBODY is partying harder/better than Gronk. You don’t slow Gronk down. You don’t ask if he’ll be cited for chugging beers in public during the freaking parade. I don’t use this word often, but Florio deserves it – you’re a dork. No other word for it. You’re the kid who had his first drink on his 21st birthday. The one who asked the teacher if they’d be collecting last night’s homework. You’re lame. God what a loser.

8. Miami Heat

Hot take alert: the Heat aren’t as good without LeBron James. In fact, they’ve apparently forgotten how to play the game of basketball completely. I present to you the Miami Heat’s attempt to inbound the ball, down one, with under a minute to play.

So close, guys. So close.

7. Letroy Guion

If you haven’t heard of Guion, don’t worry. I hadn’t either. He apparently plays defensive tackle for the Packers. Sorry, sorry – played defensive tackle for the Packers. I assume he no longer is. You see, here is a picture of what police seized from Guion’s truck this week:

Packers DT Tweet

In case you ever wondered what 300+ grams of weed, nearly $200k cash, and a gun looks like, now you know. Not exactly a good look a few weeks after the season ends.

6. Papa John’s

The sponsor of all things pizza, Papa John’s and football go together like PB and J. You’d think they’d have their finger on the pulse of the game. You’d be wrong. After the Super Bowl – which you may recall the Seahawks did not win – Papa John’s aired this commercial:

Hate when that happens. Obviously they made two commercials and aired the wrong one. It happens. All I’m saying is, if I was a Seattle fan who just had my heart ripped out, and then that commercial aired, I’d probably burn Papa John’s HQ to the ground. I don’t even think I’d be arrested, I’d have that much cause. Honest mistake by Papa John; arson-worthy if you’re a fan.

5. Snoop Dogg

That’s right, Snoop Dogg. Snoop – never shy about his allegiance to USC – has a son who is a senior in high school and a 4-star football recruit. On National Signing Day, Snoop’s son, Cordell Broadus, made his father proud by choosing the Trojans. Just kidding, he stabbed Snoop in the back and decided to go to USC’s biggest rival, UCLA.

Snoop Dogg Son

I’m all for being your own person and going where you’ll be happiest, and it looks like Snoop is being a good sport and supporting his son, but that’s got to be a kick in the nuts. To have to trade all your maroon and gold for some baby blue has to hurt. I mean, just look at Snoop’s face here:

Snoop Dogg Sad

He looks so…sad. Poor guy. Pretty awesome that his son is a top recruit, but this almost ruins the while thing, doesn’t it?

4. Warren Sapp

Another week, another former star athlete being arrested for hiring a hooker. I went over this a few weeks ago in these same rankings; you want to hire a prostitute, all the power to you. Just don’t get caught. Normally, I’d feel bad for the guy who did get caught, lost his job, and probably ruined his relationship. But I don’t.

From all accounts, Warren Sapp is a bad person. I’ve never read a good word about him; everyone seems to think he is arrogant, rude, and just generally a crappy human being. So I don’t feel bad for him. Karma, I suppose. Apparently, Chargers’ safety Eric Weddle also doesn’t feel too bad:

3. Johnny Manziel

Of course he’s here. Mr. Football had about as bad a rookie year as you can; he barely played, missed meetings, and struggled mightily when he was in there. People questioned his passion, his work ethic, and his maturity. It turns out, those people (ugh…Skip Bayless included) may be right.

NFL: MAY 08 National Football League Draft

Manziel will enter a treatment facility, though to reasons were never made clear. Seems like a typical drinking/drugs/partying all-in-one type of visit. Given Manziel’s issues as far back as his freshman year at A&M, and the well-publicized problems facing teammate Josh Gordon, this seems like a good move to try to finally nip this in the bud. I don’t know if he has a real problem, or just really likes going out and having fun and being rich without all that “hard work” crap, but I hope this is what he needs to get his head right and actually be an NFL quarterback, a future that looks more and more in doubt.

2. Nationwide

What the hell, guys? Seriously, why? There I am, watching the Super Bowl, knocking back a few brewskis, stuffing my face with food, and hoping like hell my Patriots would win it, and then you throw this at me?


C’mon! This is the Super Bowl! This should be a no-dead-kid zone. I mean holy hell, what a buzzkill. No one wants to see dead kids between their football game. They don’t. I get that it’s an important thing to raise awareness for, but to do it like that was a little much. Tone it down guys, it’s the freaking Super Bowl. More puppies, less dead kids. Universal recipe for success.

1. Pete Carroll

Oh yes, Pete. Oh yes. You knew this was coming. Consider it the last stop on your “I lost the Super Bowl tour.” I don’t need to rehash it all here. I know you should have run the ball. You know you should have run the ball. Marshawn Lynch definitely knows you should have run the ball. But, you didn’t. And Malcolm Butler intercepted the ball. And the Patriots won the Super Bowl. And I had a blast.

Real talk, you know a coach effed up when a quarterback throws a game-losing INT at the one-yard line with 20 seconds left in the Super Bowl, and gets almost no blame at all. Pretty much 100 percent of the blame is on Carroll; the call was that bad. You tell one of the top two or three running backs in the NFL he can’t have the ball from the one with the Super Bowl on the line, you make the top spot in the Powerless Rankings. It’s the rules.

That’s it for this week. As always, check us out every Sunday to see who is having the worst week in sports!

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