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Powerless Rankings

Bad Fans and Worse Boyfriends Lead Powerless Rankings

The only thing worse than being a bad fan is being a bad boyfriend on Valentine’s Day weekend. In this week’s Powerless Rankings, we’ve got both. 

Happy Sunday everyone. If you’re wondering why these rankings are going up later than usual, it’s no biggie. Just your weekly Sunday blizzard with 70 MPH winds causing power outages, no worries. It may be later than usual, but the lights are back on, the heat is kicking in, and we’re ready to go. Here’s a (slightly late) Powerless Rankings:

5. This Patriots Fan

Life is pretty good for Patriots fans right now. We’re the World Champions, the best team of the last decade-plus, and our quarterback and coach have reached new heights in the pantheon of the game. What better way to celebrate than to throw on a jersey and go somewhere warm and away from all the snow? How could it get any better than that?

Well, what about wearing your favorite player’s jersey and then having him somehow show up where you are and stand three feet away from you? How could that ever go wrong?

Click here because the video won’t embed properly – it’s worth it.

C’mon man. That’s not a great look. You can’t just wear a jersey of a player and not recognize when he’s right next to you. Especially Big Vince; the guy’s like 6’4”, 350 lbs. How do you not recognize him? All in all still a good day, but you have to recognize the man whose name is on your back. Have to.

4. This Michigan State Fan

We’ve all been there. You’re out in public, you see someone who catches your eye, and you have to get a better view. You do a quick double-take and almost break your neck, or you let your eyes linger a second too long; it happens. But my god, man. You have to be better than this:

There’s being conspicuous, and then there’s this. That’s a solid triple-take, including what must have been an audible “whoah.” I mean, yeah, that girl looks pretty cute. But to be that obvious AND get caught on camera? That’s a big-time violation. Clean it up, kid.

3. Tiger Woods

Just when I thought he was going to turn it around, Tiger hit a new low. Last-place finishes, rounds in the 80s, withdrawing from tournaments on day one; it’s all really bad. So, Tiger is (once again) shutting it down for a bit. Tiger released a statement early this week saying he will be taking some time off to once again hone his game and make sure his body is ready to compete.

GOLF: FEB 05 PGA - Farmers Insurance Open - First Round

I remember writing about this a long time ago, maybe about 18 months ago, that golf needs the old Tiger back. I miss the old Tiger, the one who you knew would be in the hunt every Sunday and knew wouldn’t surrender a final-round lead to anyone. Now, we’re lucky if he even makes it to the weekend. I don’t know if it’s even possible at this point, but I want Tiger back. Even if it isn’t the old Woods, I just want some semblance of him. I want to see him winning Majors and being the best in the world. Otherwise, golf is boring. Come back soon, Tiger.

2. The 12th Man

Not going to lie, this one brought me great joy. The NFL and NBC announced the Super Bowl ratings last week, and to no one’s surprise, it was the most-watched Super Bowl ever. In fact, it was the most-watched broadcast of all-time. This seems to be the case with each passing game, so no shocker there.

Also not shocking was Boston leading all markets. Obviously, a team competing in the game is going to rank highly in the market breakdown. So, with Boston ranking number one, where did Seattle rank? Probably number two, right? Nope; that was New Orleans. No, Seattle – home to the “12th Man,” the loudest, best fans in football – came in 17th place in market ratings. The Super Bowl was more popular in Buffalo than it was in Seattle. There were 16 cities with better Super Bowl ratings than Seattle.

NFL: FEB 01 Super Bowl XLIX - Patriots v Seahawks

Normally, I wouldn’t look twice at this. These ratings aren’t perfect, they don’t account for bars or parties, and they don’t mean a ton. But when your big thing – the thing you try to be known for above all else – is how awesome your fans are, you need to back it up. Sure, you’re loud, but generally speaking people don’t care as much. If you’re going to wear jerseys that say “Fan” on the back, you have to do better than 17th place. Posers.

1. Delanie Walker

One benefit to the delayed rankings: I saw this gem before posting. Tennessee Titans tight end Delanie Walker is NOT having a good Valentine’s Day weekend. This morning, “Walker” posted the following on his Instagram:

Delanie Walker FailDelanie Walker Fail 2

Now, I put his name in quotes because I think it’s safe to say it was his girlfriend who posted this. Hoo boy, that’s no good. Having your girlfriend A) catch you cheating and B) post it for the entire world to see is a bad, bad look. Having your pregnant girlfriend post about you whoring around Nashville looking for other women all while supposedly begging her to marry you? Yikes.

You have to ask for a trade at this point, right? Like, Nashville is no longer in play. Gotta go to the coach, explain what happened, and ask for a trade far, far away. Only way to fix this, really. For now, Delanie can sleep tight with the knowledge that he may have lost his girl, but he won this week’s Powerless Rankings. 

That’s all for this week. Thanks for the patience, and hopefully we can get these back bright and early next week. And remember, guys; always lock your social media accounts.



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